Tag: psychology

Moving On After a Relationship Ends

lcwahlstrom

Your boyfriend or girlfriend has just dumped you. Initially, you feel numb and in disbelief that the relationship is over. As more time passes, you cycle amongst sadness, anger, and feeling okay. Despite the relationship being over, you continue to follow them on social media. On the one hand, it relieves the anxiety of wondering what they are up to, but you also recognize that it is keeping you from moving forward.

Does any of this sound familiar? Moving forward after the end of a relationship can be a long, painful, and frustrating process. In my blog post today, I will discuss the treatment approach I use when working with folks who are having difficulty moving on after a breakup, and provide some practical tips for how to cope.

When working with individuals looking to heal after the end of a relationship, I have found Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to be highly effective. The ACT approach centers on the notion that pain and suffering are an unavoidable part of human existence, and in spite of that we can cultivate a rich, meaningful life. Rather than identifying and changing your thoughts (as is the focus of cognitive therapy), ACT teaches you how to create “space” for your thoughts. This allows you do better evaluate what thoughts are helpful versus unhelpful, and have unhelpful thoughts have less of an impact on you. Having that space also allows you to do more of things that are important to you.

How can this help when going through a breakup? In the early stages after a breakup, and often times for a while after, your thoughts are consumed by that person. How are they feeling? Are they struggling too? Have they moved on? If it has been a long time since the breakup, we may feel shame or frustration for continuing to think about that person and try to push those thoughts out of our mind. However, this doesn’t work! Let’s say for example, I tell you not to think about a pink elephant. Think about anything except a pink elephant. What are you thinking about? A pink elephant! Because the act of trying to push something out of our mind involves thinking about that very thing.

Instead, try allowing that thought or image to be there, but in a different way. In ACT, we learn skills called defusion and mindfulness. Oftentimes we are so “fused” with our thoughts we believe we are one with them, that they are fact, or that we need to act on them. Not the case. Our minds generate something like 50,000 – 70,000 thoughts per day – isn’t that incredible? And imagine if we acted on every thought our mind generated. That would be pretty bad, right?

Instead, we learn to be aware of our thoughts, but not get “hooked on them.” We let go of the judgments about what it means we are having these thoughts, and judgements about the thoughts themselves. We notice that the thoughts are there, and this what our mind does – generates thoughts. And then, we allow them to pass.

Below are some ways to practice defusion:

  1. Put “I am having the thought that” in front of any self-statements.
  2. Imagine your thoughts typed out on a computer screen, and then imagine yourself changing the font and colors.
  3. Repeat a word in which you tend to use when judging yourself harshly over and over aloud until the word becomes meaningless.

Below are some ways to practice mindfulness:

  1. Imagine yourself sitting by a stream. Imagine your thoughts on a leaf in the stream, and allow them to float away.
  2. Imagine yourself sitting on the beach. Imagine your thoughts written in the sand, and watch the tide wash the writing away.
  3. Imagine yourself lying on a blanket in a field on a warm day. Imagine your thoughts on clouds, and allow the clouds to float away.

At this point you may be thinking, okay, so I am working to allow my thoughts to be there, but is that it? No, that’s not it! When we are feeling sad or anxious, our tendency is to withdraw and not let other see us that way – to hunker down at home, in front of the television watching Netflix, eating a bowl of ice cream. Those behaviors seem like they help us to cope, when actually they maintain depression and anxiety.

So, go against what your mind is telling you to do (defusion!) and get active! And don’t just get active, get active doing things that matter to you. A relationship (and subsequent breakup) can sometimes take you away from things that you value. Is health something that is important to you? Join a bootcamp or running club, or sign up for a cooking class. Is family important? Schedule lunch with a family member or, if they are far away, book a trip to see them. As I see it, you have two choices. You can feel sad or anxious and do nothing, or you can feel sad and anxious and be doing something that may improve your situation. Just because you don’t feel like doing something, doesn’t mean you can’t do it (again, defusion!).

If you are struggling with the end of a relationship and live in the Austin area, please give me a call at 512-521-1531 or email me at laura@drlaurawahlstrom.com to discuss your situation and see if I may be able to help. Below I have also included links to some ACT resources if you found my suggestions helpful and would like to learn more about it.

The Happiness Trap

Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life

*Note: Defusion and mindfulness strategies are taken from ACT Made Simple by Russ Harris, PhD

Dry January… and Beyond?

lcwahlstrom

Did you participate in Dry January? For those that are not familiar, Dry January is choosing not to drink alcohol during the month of January. This has been primarily practiced in the UK, but has gained traction in the US in recent years. The idea behind Dry January is to help your body “reset” after the indulgences of the holidays and to kick start a New Years commitment to health. Whether you participated, continued with your usual habits, or have never heard of it, everyone can benefit from taking a look at their drinking habits and relationship with alcohol.

What is “problem” drinking exactly?

I often hear statements like “I don’t drink alone, so I must not have a problem” or “I don’t drink in the morning, so I am certainly not an alcoholic.” However, problem drinking is more complex and multifaceted than that. Rather than solely focusing on how often and how much you drink, we instead identify the ways in which alcohol may be having a negative impact on your life.

Some questions you can ask yourself to determine if drinking may be a problem for you are:

  • When I drink, do I have more drinks than I planned to? Am I drinking more often than I want to?
  • Have I tried to cut down but haven’t been able to?
  • Am I spending a lot of time drinking, or a lot of time recovering from a hangover?
  • Am I having cravings or urges to drink?
  • Am I neglecting responsibilities at work, home, or school because of drinking?
  • Is drinking contributing to problems in my relationships?
  • Have I given up hobbies, interests, or friendships because of drinking?
  • Have I put myself in dangerous situations when I’m drinking (i.e., driving a car).
  • Do I have physical health problems that are made worse by drinking?
  • Does drinking alcohol negatively impact my mood, anxiety, or other aspects of my mental health?

If you answered yes to 2 or more of these questions, you may want to consider changing your drinking habits. However, change does not necessarily have to mean never drinking again or attending AA meetings (though both are great choices for many!). Below I will discuss some other options.

Sampling Sobriety

This is essentially what Dry January is. Committing to a set amount of time alcohol free (e.g., 2 days per week, 1 week, 1 month), gives you the opportunity to directly experience what life is like without alcohol in it. For those wanting to sample sobriety, I encourage them to track their mood, sleep, and other changes they notice, so that after the sampling period is over they can make an informed decision about their drinking going forward. What if you try to sample sobriety and aren’t able to do it? That may be a sign drinking is a problem for you and it is time to reach out for help.

Harm Reduction

The harm reduction approach involves changing your drinking habits so that they have less of a negative impact on your life. This can be accomplished in a number of different ways, but it almost always involves reducing how much and/or how often you drink. Two strategies that help with this are measuring and counting drinks – often times what you think is 1 drink is more like 2 or 3 because of the quantity of liquor in it or the size of the pour. Also, it is important to make a conscious effort to cultivate activities and hobbies that do not center around drinking. Commit to a morning run when you otherwise may have stayed in bed, meet friends for coffee rather than drinks, or take that hike you haven’t made time for yet because an afternoon at the brewery has sounded more appealing.

If after reading this you are questioning your drinking habits, psychotherapy can provide you a space to explore the pros and cons of change. And, if you decide to move forward with reducing or stopping drinking, it can offer you the support, accountability, and tools to increase your likelihood of success. If you live in the Austin area, I would love to speak with you about your situation and see if I may be able to help. I can be reached by email at laura@drlaurawahlstrom.com or by phone at 512-521-1531.

3 Tips for Surviving the Holidays

lcwahlstrom

The holidays are upon us! Social media, TV commercials, and Hallmark movies depict it as “the most wonderful time of the year.” While that may be true for many, for others it is a time filled with anxiety, loneliness, and bad memories. Regardless of if you are filled with holiday cheer or can’t wait for January 2, here are some tips that will make the holidays go a little smoother.

Watch your drinking.

Between the holiday parties and cold nights hunkered down at home, people tend to increase their alcohol consumption during the holidays. Not only does drinking (especially excessively) exacerbate depression and anxiety, it also makes it more likely you may embarrass yourself at the company party, get in a fight with Aunt Jean about politics at the dinner table, or skip that morning run that helps you feel energized and ready to tackle the day.

Keep up your healthy habits.

Let’s face it: between the constant supply of cookies at the office, cold weather, and hectic social schedule, healthy habits tend to fall by the wayside during the holidays. The best way to keep your mood stable is to practice moderation and continue with a healthy exercise, diet, and sleep regimen. Haven’t made these things a priority in 2018? No need to put off making a change until January 1 – now is the perfect time to create new healthy habits.

Say no.

When we overextend ourselves and don’t take the time we need to recharge, those holiday parties end up feeling like a chore. You know yourself – if two parties in a weekend is too much, choose the one that is more important to attend and send your regrets to the other. Or decide you are going to go to each for a set amount of time, say 1 hour.

In addition to social and work obligations, family get-togethers can be extremely stressful. If you find that you are emotionally depleted after a trip home for a few days, it may be best for you to limit your time with family. It is better to spend a few hours together and have it be pleasant than stay for several days and end up in an argument or leave feeling depressed.

If adhering to the above suggestions sounds difficult, or you feel too overwhelmed to make those changes on your own, it may be time to enlist help. Just like you don’t need to wait until January 1 to make lifestyle changes, you also do not need to wait until then to start psychotherapy. If you are in the Austin area, please reach out to me at laura@drlaurawahlstrom.com or 512-521-1531 to discuss your situation.

The Power of Breath

lcwahlstrom

Not long ago I was watching the Today Show, and the topic was how to live a longer and healthier life. One of the segments was focused on deep breathing and how researchers believe may play a key role in slowing the aging process. Deep breathing, also known as diaphragmatic breathing (more on that shortly), is one of my go-to skills I teach my therapy clients. Why? It is highly effective, and can be used anywhere, at any time. And, now I may be able to add to that list it helps you live longer!

Our typical breathing tends to be shallow and happens in our chest. When we experience anxiety or stress, our breathing tends to become even more shallow and rapid, and can set off a downward spiral of physical symptoms, thoughts, and behaviors. Hyperventilation (i.e., an imbalance of our oxygen and carbon dioxide levels) may set in, which leads to feeling dizzy or lightheaded, which leads to thoughts that something is wrong with you, which leads to more rapid breathing, which leads to…

You get the idea, right?

One of the keys to stopping this cycle is to change your breathing. This is where diaphragmatic breathing (also known as deep breathing and belly breathing) comes into play. Instead of taking rapid, shallow breaths from your chest, you take slow, deep breaths from your belly. This encourages full oxygen exchange, slows your heartbeat, and lowers blood pressure. All of those scary physical symptoms that are signaling to you “something is wrong with me!” have been thwarted.

What if you don’t struggle with anxiety – can diaphragmatic breathing help you? Absolutely! For those who deal with day-to-day stress, have difficulties, winding down, difficulties sleeping, trouble “shutting your brain off” at the end of the day, diaphragmatic breathing can help you relax.

Diaphragmatic Breathing Instructions:

To start, find a quiet, comfortable place to sit or lie down. Place one hand on your belly, and begin taking a slow, deep breath in. You should feel your chest expand, and your belly rise. Then, slowly expel the air from your chest. Continue breathing this way, counting as you breathe in and out. Each person is unique, so the number of seconds for the in and out breaths do vary some. I usually start with “In… 2… 3… out… 2…. 3” with my clients and adjust from there. You do not want to breathe so deeply that you are feeling dizzy or lightheaded – that is specifically what we are trying to counteract! If you find that happens, breathe more shallow or take shorter in and out breaths.

It is most helpful, especially at the beginning, to have someone else (therapist, friend, spouse) count for you while you breathe. There is also a great app you can download called Breathe2Relax that will give instructions and guide you through diaphragmatic breathing exercises.

There are 2 things I think are crucial for diaphragmatic breathing to be effective:

Expectancies – Simply put, if you believe in the rationale and science behind diaphragmatic breathing, it is more likely to be effective. If you believe it is simplistic or silly, it probably won’t help you.

Practice – How likely do you think it is you would make the Olympic track and field team if you had only run one time in the last year? Just like athletes need to train to improve their physical fitness and skills, diaphragmatic breathing needs to be practiced to be effective. A good place to start is daily practice of 5-10 minutes,during a time you are not in the throws of anxiety or significant stress.

I’ve included some helpful links on diaphragmatic breathing below. If you are interested is learning more about anxiety management and relaxation, and live in the Austin area, please reach out to me at 512-521-1531 or laura@drlaurawahlstrom.com.

Mayo Clinic: Decrease Stress by Using Your Breath

Psychology Today: Diaphragmatic Breathing Exercises and Your Vagus Nerve